I went on a first date yesterday, and it reminded me how great I am at dating advice.

Here’s some advice that will help you out on a first date.

1. Getting ready. Make sure you put on 13-14 slaps on the cheek of aftershave. That way, if she loses you in a crowd, she can find you by your scent.

2. Take her to a restaurant way out of your price range. Then say, “just a day in the life” to the bus boy every time he walks by.

3. Break the ice by telling her you’ve been molested, and you’re not ready to get physical. Then, try to kiss her. It’ll throw her off guard. You’re a man of mystery, and women like that.

4. Make sure you talk about previous girlfriends in great detail. Women like to know you’re a catch. End each of these stories with, “so I dumped the bitch.”

5. Try to order in the waiter’s language. If you don’t know it, improvise. Chinese is pretty much how it sounds, so go for it!

6. When the check comes at the end of the meal, take out your wallet in ultimate slow motion. This is a joke women like.

7. Surprise her with Knicks tickets, and head straight from dinner to the game. While at the game, shout at the players. She’ll be impressed with your enthusiasm and knowledge for the game. If you’re not a sports guy, here are some common basketball phrases: “Are you kidding me?” or “C’mon!” or “This is bad!”

8. Walk her to the door. This is the moment of truth. You want a kiss, but you don’t want to catch her off guard. Stick out your tongue so she knows to get ready, and bam. You’re making out. Her doorman is getting jealous. Stop kissing her for a second, turn to her doorman and say, “you like?” Then keep making out with her. She’ll give you a cue to leave by saying something like, “I love your aftershave. When can I see you again?” Just be nonchalant, and say, “Just follow your nose.”